At a Loss for Words


Yours truly never seems to have a hard time writing anything, but the problem lies in posting or sending the message I have, in my darkest moments, scribed through bouts of tears. That is to say that whenever I am feeling something, I have a hard time expressing it. Psychologically, that’s probably why writing is so dear and natural to me in the first place. I want these words, and I never want to lose them. They’re so precious to me…

But I’m scared to say anything abrasive or assertive. I’m far too passive and worried that I may hurt someone or scare them away. Sounds silly, doesn’t it? Especially because I love to write sci-fi novels and critiques of society, etc. But maybe this all stems from a sickness–one that will be halted if I stay passive and say nothing. If I stay closed inside my shell and refuse to be assertive…

I think I just scared away my editor.

My books mean everything to me… I can’t even explain it. If one thing is altered, it just ruins my life. Maybe it’s a good thing that I have a natural proofing and editing talent, then; I won’t have to face rejection or humiliation or anger. I won’t have to fight for my words again. My gosh. I really am afraid; as I write this now, I sound like a character rather than a real person. I’m afraid. What if I really did scare them away?

What if I scare everyone away?

I told myself I should learn to stand up for myself because I [think] I may know what I’m talking about–especially in baking. But my insecurity remembers the days others would push me around and tell me I’m wrong. So…am I really stupid? But I want to be a leader someday…or at least an inspiration in my fields and passions. I don’t want to drive them away…but why does it seem like I always do? Is it me? Is it them? Is it something else?

The curse is inescapable, isn’t it?

Honestly, I don’t know what I want anymore. Some places are pulling me to face my fears, and others are telling me to back away. I don’t want to end up like her; please. Please. Please no.

I don’t know anymore.

I don’t know.

 

 

[]

 

P.S. I haven’t been writing much lately, but I promise I will…

To ease our pains, I’ll post something random later on…

Something nice.

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3 Responses to “At a Loss for Words”

  1. titansz

    “I don’t know anything anymore, I don’t know about life, I don’t know what I want to do, I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know. Look you only won 2nd place in that ISA competition, you’re a failure, your elevator didn’t even work right you fail!, look at your writings TR, RA, TWIFML, LCWH, see how much they stink. You life is just like that song Awakenings. Look at yourself you are nothing but a loser.” Yep, those are some of the THOUSANDS of thoughts that run through my mind. I can’t count how many times I have walked and paced around the house when no one is home talking out loud “-I don’t know anything anymore-“.
    Not knowing what you want, and not knowing what you want to do, are things we all face.
    There is a saying in ‘Lord of the Rings, The Fellowship of the Ring”, “I wish” this “had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.” “So do all who live to see such times but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”
    I try to keep this in my mind when my grate doubts arise; although I must admit most times I tend to concentrate only on my doubts. This is not something I usually share with anyone. Nor have I ever told anyone, I have listened to that song, Awakenings, well over 3000 times, and know it so well. The lyrics, instruments, I can play the 8min 21second song in my head as clearly as listening to it.

    Is this ‘her’ you speak of that you don’t want to end up like named 12?

    You can never scare me away, I will always be here. ^ᴗ^ ALWAYS!

    P.S. What are your Favorite breads to make, and to eat? ^˽^

  2. penguingirl12

    No, I already became 12.12, but that wasn’t a bad thing…
    I am not always this depressing XD It’s come back recently…
    I’m glad you’re still here, though…

    I love to make all kinds of traditional breads like baguettes, ciabatta, Italian bread, croissants, cinnamon rolls, brioche… YUM
    I love ciabatta (flatbread) pizza! It’s soooo tasty~~ TTuTT

    Bread always makes me feel better…even just the smell. Hah. That’s how obsessed I am with bread… Pain au chocolat (chocolate croissants) straight out of the oven is one of life’s delicacies~~

    Great. Now I want to make bread >.>

  3. titansz

    Pain au chocolat sounds soooooooo good!.

    What kind of ciabatta (flatbread) pizza?

    Great now I have a taste for chocolate and pizza!. O.O *Light bulb* A chocolate pizza?

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