Unscripted Rambling on My ZCN/TIES Identity Crisis


THIS IS THE MOST UNPROFOUND THING YOU’LL EVER READ

 

Preliminary notes: “Snads” is what I call myself when I am acting stupid or when I perceive my persona as idiotic and desperate. Which is all the time. Also, this is a transcribed script of the video which has since met its demise. Notice the horrendous real way I talk XD

 

Welcome to Snads and her ridiculous amount of ZCN/TIES notebooks. Yes, I was going to sit down and write a weekly ramblings like this. Which normally doesn’t occur because I can only think while I’m writing because I never talk. Well, that’s not true. I never talk when I’m around other people. Unless I feel comfortable [in shy Mattie voice]…maybe…things… But in reality, I never say anything. [in dumb Z voice] But look how much I write. Just kidding. I dunno. I just don’t. [awkward laugh that turns into crying] Did I mention I’m a dramatic actress when I’m home alone? No one cares. No one cares about my love of melodramas.

Sigh. All right. The reason…I don’t know even where to start. Sigh. Let me start with this:

ZCN & FRIENDS: ADVENTURES IN I*V/THE TIES BETWEEN THE UNIVERSE (ZCN/TIES) is my life story.

Fictionalized. Kind of. No, that’s not true. Lots of weird things happen in my life. I go to I*V all the time. Yah. Really. Things with stuff.

But at the same time, I dunno. Hence, my identity crisis. You see, I was young way before this…back into the realm of this [shows old WARP notebook]…with no profound language at all [“Hey dis is da time travel machine yo”]…I had a giant imagination, and I did stuff. That’s what I did. Thought of things. Thought of things. Thought of things. Made no profound statements at all. Bought tons of notebooks. Made tons of videos. ZCN and Friends cartoons. “Wait ‘till buzzer sounds.” All that random stuff. I basically just wanted to go into making cartoons, for goodness’ sake. But I can’t draw, and I don’t have anyone to beg to make anime for me, so… And plus, whenever I went around to any language teacher or English professor, they always begged me, “Snads you should write like this more often. Snads, you’re such a grammatical genius. Snads, you’re so smart for a 4th grader.” Blah blah blah NO ONE CARES!!

Until High School—then I had a very dramatic thing occur, and then I realized that maybe I’m not supposed to go into science or veterinary or any of those things. Especially because if I were a veterinarian, and I had a guinea pig or something die, I would blame myself and jump off the nearest bridge with no remorse because I can’t handle emotions. So… [laughs at self]

PFFF WHY DID I JUST SAY THAT??!!

Anyway… And so I went into writing because writing doesn’t hurt anyone right? [sarcastically] Sure. That’s why I have identity crisis. And so I beat myself up in baking and say, “Snads, you’re not worthy of wearing this Chef hat. You’ll never be able to wear this Chef hat. You’re not worthy. YOU’RE NOT WORTHY!! STOP TRYING!!”

Sigh. I have no idea what I was just saying. Sigh……

Oh, right. I’m having identity crisis on Z/T. (ZCN/TIES=Z/T). Why, you ask? Because originally, everything was totally dif. I*V was the world of imagination; things occurred, and they didn’t have to make sense. Yes, there’s a winter place by a normal place, yes there’s a Christmastown where it’s always Christmas for some reason, yes there’s Back and Forth Carnival where the back and forth chemical leaks into the streets, making everyone go back and forth until they flip the switch that puts the chemical back into the carnival where it belongs. And oh my gosh, that was a reoccurring inside joke in every episode because for some reason it was hilarious. Sigh.

And then I learned things. I learned things. And so I thought if I’m gonna write a book, it has to make sense, right? Well, it didn’t make sense. I threw powers all over the place, I threw characters all over the place; just recently, I read an episode description from L8R and realized that “What the blaeh; that character would never do that. That makes no sense!” So whatever. And that was in L8R. And it’s mostly because Beginning was my past…Ties was—well, it now it’s my past, but it’s supposed to be the present—and L8R (Later) is the future. Gee, that’s profound. Where did that come from? Wow. I did not do that on purpose. And so, L8R was the future I wanted. Well, guess what, kids? This isn’t the future I want anymore! So now what? Sigh. Also the past is different in here; my perceptions on everything were different.

For instance [destroys ranting and gets to the point] I WENT INTO THINGS NO ONE CARES ABOUT AND NEVER PAID ATTENTION TO THE ACTUAL INTERESTING PLOT LINE!!!  OK, WARP is interesting, and it adds character moments, day-to-day, and dialog—all things I like way too much, but whatever.

[back to transcribing]

Let’s just say that I went nuts. And so…what is this anymore if the past is different, the present is the same, and the future is different? What then? What then, I ask you? [as Mattie] Hmmmm?

Let’s just get this over with. Originally, BEG stunk. It was the first book I ever finished, unfortunately. And it’s probably the worst book I ever finished. Besides Animal Kingdom. I hate AK. I HATE AK!!! SO MUCH! IT MAKES ME WANT TO CRY EVERYTIME I THINK ABOUT IT!!

Here’s proof. [shows original manuscript that you never want to see or else you’ll never want to read my books again] I was bored with things. These were just episode descriptions to me. By the way, it’s all info. This is all info. This is all info. [shows pages and pages of text]

[HERE-IN I ACCIDENTALLY CUT THE VIDEO IN HALF PFFFF]

I despise my idiocy. Sigh. Hmmm. Whatever. [shows prologue]

Whatever. Things. [shows chapters] This is description. That’s all it is. This is so insanely boring. There are some chapters that only have a few paragraphs because I hated expounding. I just wanted to write dialog. I knew what it was, I just didn’t care [[CF] THERE IT IS. I DIDN’T CARE]]

Notice how chapters one through 7 are the first chap of the new ver. Notice how long chap 10 is due to dialog PFFF

So, here’s the reason for identity crisis. And I’m going to read this.

[ADVENTURES IN NEVERLAND. I’ll post this one of these days…as an extra to the finished book]

MY FIRST FRIEND WAS MOST PROB ME [CF] Yah. Zeen. I still have a grudge against her. Sigh. She ruined my life—I ruined my life, who am I kidding? That should be the real story.

Haha Ice cream parlor. Oh, my gosh. Even that changed. I wanted to have my own ice cream parlor, now I want my own…[tears up] Parisien café. [in French accent] WHY AM I SO OBSESSED WIZ CAFES?????

There were some good episodes back then. Except, ironically, the dialog stunk. [clutches chest] My heart. MY HEART.

I used a video camera; I taped things. Yah I dunno. Kiki fascinates me now [XD] She used to be fascinating, now she’s annoying. Why does this occur in life?

Originally, he [meaning 5] was FM [XD] WHY. WHY? WHY CHAIRS AND TABLES?? WHYY??? I DON’T UNDERSTAND ANYMORE. I JUST DON’T. Am I destined to be a chair? I dunno. Maybe that’s why FM is my subconscious [XD] [[makes box]]

 

Yah everything changed. A lot of the stuff changed. The reason why I changed the story a lot is cuz nothing made sense. Nov 1, 2005 came twice. See, in real life, WARP happened before I moved—in 5th grade. Then after I moved (in 7th grade), we continued it even though I was depressed, and then I went nuts (in 8th grade), so…

And so I have it at the point where it’s after I moved, but it wasn’t after I moved… [Hence the two November 1sts]

SO NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE!!

Everything is just out of order, and Power School and series 6 happened at the same time, which makes no sense if you write it down because…it just doesn’t make sense. [a lot of the events happened simultaneously]

Ties, on the other hand, makes perfect sense, because…it’s the present! Drahm epis…things with stuff…characters…I dunno. It’s just…

Then L8R. L8R. Oh my gosh L8R. This isn’t my future anymore. It just doesn’t exist. I ruined it!

This is not…me anymore. That’s why I hate it. It’s just…I am so dreadfully confused. I used to be an idiot. I dunno. And so whatever. Of course, because this is so convoluted, it’s not just this book…it’s those books, those books, these folders, these books…and so…[moves camera around crazily]

 

And so, for starters…      [here is where I attempt to make a game plan]

CHARACTERS!! [slams book]

Sigh. That’s where I always begin. There are a lot of them. There are some that have become too stale that it makes me want to cry [meaning Kiki, Cassie, and Jamesy]. There are some that are too fascinating to me that they’re taking over my life [zooms in to FM’s book dramatically]. There are some where I can’t mention them by name anymore because it just makes me want to break down in tears. [tries not to cry]

Then there’s me. Pff. [pretends to cry] Then there’s me. Where do I fit in all this?

[Beginning] Here I was an idiot. [Ties] Here I was dramatic. [L8R] Here I was happy.

Let me tell you something. Because of SFC/2011 and my psychological regression… I looked at L8R, and I said, “Snads, even in your dream world, you can’t have your perfect future.” So now what? I made it the opposite. Originally, I was elated and happy. So now I’m going to make it so that I’m depressed and worthless. No, there’s no inbetween. I changed it so that I’m impossibly miserable. And alone forever. The irony.

OK MAYBE IT IS FM’S FAULT. IT’S ALL HIS FAULT BECAUSE HE LOVES TRAGEDIES SO MUCH. CURSE YOU, FM!! [Slight smile]

But that’s how it is; that’s all there is, and so…I can’t even be happy here anymore.

[cries]

There’s something wrong with me. Maybe I’m too into drama. And so… there are only a few things I can do now.                [Here’s the real game plan]

CHARAS>>>MAIN EPIS

INFO INSANITY

REST OF EPIS

ONCE CHARA EPIS

IMPORTANT EVENTS

 

I wish I didn’t add FM to all this so that I can just finish his and get it all over with. Pff

[Random lines amid the awkward silence]

There’s something worth it with Z/T. There definitely is.

Maybe I’m having identity crisis with myself?

I was supposed to spend time on episodes like in TIES

WAIT A MIN. WAIT A MIN. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE DEPRESED CUZ 12 TOLD ME NOT TO BE HER, BUT I DIDN’T LISTEN AND BECAME HER ANYWAY. AND EVEN THOUGH I WASN’T, AND SHE’S DEPRESSED AND—SIGH. WHY WHY DOES 12 ALWAYS HAVE TO WIN?? WHY?? CUZ SHE’S KNOWLEDGE AND KNOWLEDGE IS POWER

 

WARP…HAS A PURPOSE…SOMEHOW…MAYBE…THIS PAPER REFUSES TO STAY

 

[RR NOTHING]

I have no idea about anything anymore. That’s why I just can’t do it. I’d like to.

I really wish I didn’t shovel FM in this [XD] ^^

But then there’s 12.12 and Lily Callums (Calla) and That Child’s face (Furanchisu) and great moments when I give advice that I don’t listen to and emotions so many emotions and drahm epis

Trials and things…

That’s life, isn’t it?

I can’t just throw my life out the window, can I? It’s not that easy.

 

For now, as usual, I’m supposed to be in beg but I’m in L8R (8). Pff

 

I don’t know anymore. I really don’t

 

Whatever. I’ll figure it out once of these days. It’ll probably take my whole life to write it—not in the profound sense.

Let me tell you something, if you ever told me things about how I am now to my self at 12 years old, I would have called you nuts XD

I still don’t believe myself.

 

 

CHAIRS

Chairs are cute.

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One Response to “Unscripted Rambling on My ZCN/TIES Identity Crisis”

  1. titansz

    When I was in my last year of HS, and even now, I feel worthless and question everything I am/was/could have been/ what I want to do in life/ what I will do for a job.. Not knowing, not knowing. Wishing I was a child again, where I could just dream all the time, and have no worries. I must say do what you love doing, baking, writing, dialoguing, whatever you enjoy.

    :( do NOT believe that you will be miserable, worthless, alone. Admitting, I have to say this twice for myself as well. Never give up hope. I know you can do it!!.!

    As for chairs, I more like the older ones, they are cute :p.

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